Disney ruined my love life.

Happy endings are never free.

When did you see your first Disney movie? I must have been three or four and it went something like this: hapless princess victimized by family conflict waits demurely for a man to save her, unable to negotiate her own salvation. He’s not the best guy but it all works out in the end. Good thing she’s cute.

This theme repeated over decades has tainted my view of romance. Myths live in the back of my brain, creating hope for a happy ending when I should be recognizing unhealthy patterns and red flags. Put the apple down and run, dummy!

But we can’t, can we? Somewhere in our child’s mind we picked up these harmful fairy tales.

You can be the mom he needs. (Peter Pan)

Let’s start with an easy one: overgrown child literally flies a girl in from out of town because he needs a mom.  She cooks, cleans, and reads bedtime stories to him and his emotionally retarded friends. He loves her as long as his needs are being met. When she encourages him to grow up, he kicks her out.

I can’t remember ever being told to take care of my partners. But that seems to be the role I took on. It was my job to cook, clean, parent, pay bills, earn money, do laundry, and generally make life more pleasant for others at the expense of my own preferences, goals, and interests. It’s tiring. I’m single now.

You need to be different to attract a guy. (Cinderella)

Underappreciated wallflower shoots her shot and lands the hottest guy in town after a complete makeover and nicer shoes.

Now more than ever, women are expected to be stunning. Soaring standards of beauty perpetuated by online personas and photo editors make it nearly impossible to be satisfied with your unfiltered self. Incessant ads for beauty products, keto recipes, and gym memberships remind us that there’s always work to be done. #makeover has over 5 million Instagram posts.

And, God forbid you’re online dating. Digital love-at-first-sight has raised the stakes on your profile pics. You may be cute, but a better option is just a swipe away. This gamification of dating can convince you that only a pumped up version of yourself has a shot at true love.

He just needs to show up. (Snow White)

Cursed brunette escapes narcissistic step mom and hopes someone—anyone—shows up in time to help. Cut to nameless prince who saves the day with minimal effort and zero preparation.

We’ve all been ghosted a time or two. It can sometimes be hard to believe we’ll find a connection again. In these low moments, the smallest act of follow through becomes overly impressive. If a guy calls when he says he’ll call, shows up on time, and pays for at least half the bill–these become princely acts when really, it’s common courtesy.

His infidelity isn’t that big a deal. (Little Mermaid)

Ariel bends over backwards to be with Prince Eric, sacrificing her voice and her fins—the very essence of herself—to meet him on his terms. What does he do? He takes off with another chick. But it’s not his fault. That octopus lady tricked him. And, Ariel was the one who gave away her voice so really it’s her fault. How was he supposed to recognize her on land and mute, no less?

How many times have we excused infidelity, sharing the blame for someone else’s poor choices? I wasn’t fun enough. I put on weight. I’m staying for the kids. I honestly don’t care anymore. I’ve heard this from both men and women.

Unwanted attention is your fault. (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Esmeralda is an outspoken champion for her marginalized people. She’s also hot af. Psycho preacher guy then feels entitled to first, punish her for her unabashed lifestyle. Then, sexualize her punishment. “She will be mine or she will burn!”

Nice girls don’t drink like that. Nice girls don’t wear clothes like that. Nice girls don’t talk like that. Nice girls don’t sit like that. All phrases we’ve heard from well-intentioned family, scolding us as if the sexual scrutiny from others is not only our fault, but our responsibility to correct. To that I say, suck my d*ck.

There’s a good guy in there somewhere. (Beauty and the Beast)

The pièce de résistance. Beast is a resentful creature being punished for his own selfish behavior. As a result, he lashes out at those closest to him, holding them hostage in a castle of his easily provoked anger. (The metaphor is perfect.) Yet they tough it out and in the end are rewarded by a beautiful, kind man.

This one’s a doozy. We want to bring out the good in the Bad Boy. We want to believe that he can change if we are supportive enough, if we stick by him. This naïve hope can waste years of your life at best; at worst, can be used to excuse abusive behavior. He’s under a lot of stress. He’s not always like this. I set him off. Sound familiar?

All hope is not lost. I do think love abounds in a far off, fairy tale place. But there’s something cool about singledom.