The economic disparities of single parents

It’s like you want me to go on welfare.

I had my son shortly after graduating from college. I made $30k a year. My salary after deductions was $400/wk. Full-time daycare cost $385/wk, leaving $15/wk for rent, gas, and food. I was clueless, exhausted, broke after an eight-week unpaid leave—and quickly realizing I couldn’t afford to work.

I frantically applied for government assistance. Reduced daycare, housing allowance, state insurance, anything would help. Simply having food stamps for formula and diapers would save hundreds of dollars a month. Surely these programs were made for people exactly like me who can work, they just need a little help. But the responses came quickly and they were denials across the board. Why? Because I made too much money.

If my parents hadn’t stepped in financially, I would have been forced to go on welfare.

I tell this story now and friends laugh it off. It’s silly to imagine this mildly successful 40-year-old on the dole. But supporting a child as a single parent is nearly impossible regardless of your background, with deep economic and social impacts.

There’s never enough money.

A great post by Single Mother Guide summarizes relevant data from the U.S. Census Bureau and other sources:

• 81.5% of one-parent households are headed by single mothers, half of whom where never married.
• Two thirds of mothers do not receive child support.

• One third spent more than have of their income on housing, referred to as “severe housing cost burden”
• A single mother would have to pay more than half of her income for day care at a center for infant care in some states.

The numbers don’t work for single moms or dads, though the wage gap likely exacerbates the issue.

Let’s do a mock household budget for 30-year-old single parent with a school aged child using rough estimates for common expenses.

Expense		Description	Cost/yr		Total
Gross Income		30-year-old with a bachelors’ degree. No child support.	$60,000
Taxes		2019 Federal income tax rate for Head of Household is 22%. Give or take $1500 for child credit if you qualify. Add state tax if applicable.	$13,200		$46,800
Healthcare		Contribution for employee + 1 coverage because no employer pays 100% of healthcare. $300/mth	$3,600		$43,200
Rent		2 bd in a town with decent public schools because you can’t afford private school. $1500/mth	$18,000		$25,200
Childcare		During the school year, care from 7-8am and 3-6pm because your work hours are 8am to 5pm. During the summer and school vacations, full day camps. Average $200/week	$10,400		$14,800
Food		Groceries and school lunch accounts. $125/week.	$6,500		$8,300
Car		Loan payment, insurance, gas. $300/mth.	$3,600		$4,700
Utilities		Lights, heat, hot water. $200/mth, more if you live in a cold weather climate.	$2,400		$2,300
Internet		All school assignments are online. $100/mth	$1,200		$1,100
Cell phone		As a single parent, you must be reachable at any time. $100/mth	$1,200		($100)
School		Even public schools have expenses. School supply lists can cost over $200. Field trips, bus routes, extracurriculars, and other once-free services are now fee-based as school budgets continue to shrink. $50/mth	$500		($600)
Debt		Credit cards, college loans, and other personal debt that you have to repay on time or your credit score will take a hit. $100/mth	$1,200		($1,800)
Other		Clothes and shoes as your child outgrows them. Haircuts. Christmases and birthdays. Unexpected household, medical, child costs. Where are these going to come from?

You see where this is going. At $60k, you’re making over three times the Federal Poverty level for a family of two and do not qualify for assistance.* There are others worse off than you.

How do you make up the difference? You could work more, but who’s going to watch your kid? You have to cut cost.

Extracurriculars are sacrificed first.

When money is tight, the first things to go are nonessentials. There’s no room in this budget for hockey equipment or dance lessons. But these are exactly the experiences that children in single parent households need the most. Having a passion for something—anything—promotes independent, personal growth. Extracurriculars give kids a chance to socialize with their peers and access to positive role models. They’re a welcome distraction from a potentially stressful home environment, something a kid can focus on when her world feels crazy. Participation in sports and arts can provide so many benefits, but they come at a price. Which means you have to work.

Your career takes a hit.

Picture it: You’re up against a deadline at work. You’ve stayed late every night this week to get caught up. All you need is one piece from Bob in Accounting. He said he’d get it to you today but it’s 4:45 and you still haven’t heard from him. You get him on the phone. He apologizes for not getting it over to you. “Can’t you just get it done now”, you ask. You’ve been killing yourself and this guy can’t stay an extra 30 minutes to get the job done. He says he’d love to help but he has to head out. He’ll get it to you tomorrow.

What do we think of Bob? Bob seems like he’s not a team player or worse, seems like he doesn’t care about the timeliness and quality of his work. But Bob lost a day of work staying home with a sick kid yesterday. And Bob has to leave right now to pick her up because he gets charged $1 for every minute he’s late picking her up from day care.

Being a single parent means constantly negotiating the priority of work or child. The demands of full-time parenting have real impacts on your performance at work, your career path, and ultimately your earning potential. Work simply can’t get all of your time and attention. Unfortunately, neither can your child.

As does your parenting.

Single parents know they’re not always enough. First, there’s not a lot of time or energy left after work. Sometimes you’re too tired to read a bedtime story. Sometimes you miss games because you can’t leave work. Sometimes you use all your vacation days to save on two weeks of summer camp, only to sit home and do nothing because you have no money. You do the best with what you have.

And, there are some things that just don’t work as well with one parent. I used to cringe when my son had to use the bathroom while we were out. At a certain age he got too big to take in with me so he’d have to use the men’s room on his own. But he was so small. I’d hold my breath every second he was in there alone, praying no weirdos or pedophiles were hiding behind a stall. I’d stand inches from the door so I could hear him if he yelled. Imagine watching your six-year-old march into the men’s room at Fenway Park unattended. Sheer terror. Every now and again, every single parent wishes they weren’t in it alone.

And we all come to terms with the fact that you just aren’t going to get it right all the time. The truth is you’re making this up as you go. There’s no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to share the load when you’re tired or unsure. Your parenting skills are entirely trial and error, and your kid is the one who benefits or suffers. But what is the alternative?

But it’s worth it.

Being a single parent exhausts your finances, your energy, and your sanity. But it can also create resilient and independent parents and kids. If you know a single parent, help them out. If you are a single parent, contact me or comment below. What resources do you need? What would help you and your family succeed? What do you struggle with? What do you embrace about your situation?

I’d love to hear your story.

*Government assistance like housing, daycare vouchers, healthcare, and SNAP are often calculated by percentages of your area median income. Check online resources and applications to see if you truly qualify.