Singledom

10 Tough Truths for the Newly Single

It’s over. You’ve done it. Planned or unplanned, you’ve consciously uncoupled and are now a party of one. Maybe you’ve been with the same person since college and now, suddenly, you aren’t. Now what?

Here are 10 tough truths about being single especially if you’re over 35:

It’s really quiet.

The fights are over. The arguments, the sleepless nights, the passive aggressive comments have all faded away. You’re home alone and it’s quieter than it’s been in a long time. The silence can be deafening.

Try to embrace it. Be grateful for the repose. Find peace in the drama-free silence. As The Wreckers sang, “It think I might like the quiet nights of an empty life.”

It’s really boring.

No one’s making plans for you. Your weekends are no longer filled with obligatory social events for someone else’s friends and family. If you’re sharing time with your kids, there are now hours or even days when no one needs you. Your friends are all coupled and not really around. You may be tempted to start dating to fill the holes in your schedule which leads to another critical point…

Online dating is for entertainment only.

I repeat: online dating is for entertainment purposes only, at least in the first six months. Want to get back out there and flex those dormant dating muscles? Great. Want to meet fun people, make new friends, and possibly get laid? Do it. But you’re not going to meet someone online who will be all the great things your ex wasn’t. Furthermore, you’re a mess. You need time to regroup before jumping into something else.

You’re not ready for another relationship.

You’re lonely. You’ve been lonely for a long time, well before the relationship actually ended. You crave the affection you’ve been missing. Maybe there’s someone waiting in the wings who helped you through your breakup or someone you’ve met online. It can be tempting to grab ahold of this life raft, but you’re not ready. After years in relationship, we become a grab-bag of good and bad habits—specific to that experience–that worked until they didn’t. You need time to unlearn this behavior. You need time to meet yourself.

You’ll get to know yourself, whether you like it or not.

As you pry away the pieces of your ex from your life, do you like what’s left? It can be hard to examine the person you’ve become after dedicating so much of yourself to someone else. You may be unrecognizable. The good news is that you now have the time and space to be whoever you want. Decisions about your life are completely up to you. Imagine of version of yourself that would make you proud and march toward it.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

Whether the breakup was your decision or not, you are accountable for how you live now. There’s no one left to blame. Not happy? Change it up. Sounds easy but this is the hardest part. It can be uncomfortable to look inward. It’s disconcerting to ask yourself what you want—only to realize you have no idea. If you’re an especially nurturing person, it may even feel selfish. But, no one’s ever going to make you happy if you can’t be happy with yourself first. Truth.

There’s no reason to bad mouth your ex.

Live your life with grace. Ugly words hang around your neck like a neon sign that screams, “I can’t move on!” Regardless of how or why it ended, there’s no reason to tell everyone what a shitbag your ex is. If you’re sharing children, it’s especially important to find a new narrative.

No one wants to hear it.

Your support system has been with you every step of the way. They’ve comforted you through every heartbreak that eventually led to this change. How long has it been? Months? Years? Please don’t make them listen to every excruciating adjustment you now make as a single person. Try to stay outwardly positive when you interact with your family and friends. Thank them for being there for you. Be judicious about asking for help and counsel but for God’s sake, stop bitching.

It’s gonna get weird.

The next year is going to be full of new experiences. You’ll make practical changes like moving or learning to live on one income. You’ll try new things as you explore what makes you happy. You’ll start going places by yourself, someday grabbing dinner at the bar when you don’t feel like cooking for one. This is all new and weird and you’re not going to be perfect at any of it right away. Cut yourself some slack.

But you’re going to be fine.

You won’t be single forever but you are single for now. Accept this time as a blessing. You are in a luxurious position to nurture yourself. The day will come when you feel comfortable in your new skin, when you don’t even remember the unhappy person you used to be. Keep working at it and I promise, you’ll be fine.